A Change In The Seasons

Most of my early life consisted of me making and having as many people around me as possible. I wanted to be out, be in the thick of the action and always be the life of any event. Didn't matter what it was; church, a party, business meeting, driving in my car, didn't matter.

For the longest time I felt that this was simply due to the fact that I enjoyed the company of others. My personality made it to where most that I encountered liked me, eventually. Perhaps not always at first glance or first take, but, slowly but surely I would win them over. It was important to me that I was likable; even if I gave off an "I don't give a shit" attitude - that was, in some ways, part of the allure. I'd say and do what others only thought about.

You could say I hung my hat on being the loud mouth, brash asshole that wasn't afraid to mix it up, all while being the "funny" guy. The first portion, I would come to realize, is not who I am. That was a persona, a facade I created to protect the things that, deep in me, was afraid of so many things. Dare I say, or admit, this part of me that was far more sensitive than I would EVER admit; not even to myself even though I knew it was there.

The image I created with comedy was also a wall. Don't get me wrong, I fucking love being funny. Next to that sensitive side that I grew to despise is one that loves to laugh. When we go back to what I was saying about being the life of the party - I love making others laugh, even if and especially if, it's at the expense of myself. My shoulders have always been broad enough, metaphorically speaking, for me to take a ribbing and keep going. I grew to be a scratching post for so many people over the years and so oft I'd hear one say, "I can say things to you that I can't simply say to anyone else...." I took pride in this, not really realizing the impact it was making on that other part of me, that I've mentioned that I don't like to talk about. That S word side of me.

All that said, because I would invite so many people in to my world, I never learned a vetting process with these people. The more the merrier, right? Wrong. If someone seemed fun, nice, intelligent - they were in. If our personalities matched up and they didn't take themselves all that seriously - come on in!! Let's go for a ride! It didn't matter, I was going to be that persons friend. Same thing happened with romantic relationships. No vetting. No boundaries. No expectations with the exception of the few I've previously mentioned.

Because of this, I was fortunate enough to meet some amazing people over the years. Bright, driven, hilarious, caring.... All of those great things you want from someone else. But in that, I also brought in some of the most manipulative, conniving, selfish human beings I had ever met.

The biggest issue with the latter, besides the obvious, is that those elements of them were not ones easily detected until it was too late. They were the snake in the tall grass you don't see until they've already struck - that venom already surging through your veins and attacking the inner workings of your spirit.

For who I am and how I view others - this was a hard concept to grasp. It was hard for me to understand that people could behave in such a manner. I would fight it; when I was hurt, especially early on, that fight or flight response was to ALWAYS fight even when I didn't want to. I would lash out. This was such a confusing thing for me and how I'm constructed emotionally. I never wanted to hurt anyone - it didn't and still doesn't register that any of us would want to sit in some muck and be miserable when there are soooo many beautiful things about this life going on around us. To include those people around us.

So those that would lie and cheat and steal the emotions of others - use us and abuse the trust that was being freely given based on the facade that was shared, impacted me in ways that have left long lasting ripples in my life. Large rocks splashed down in to the pool of my being. As MANY of us have been; I have been betrayed, abandoned, lied too, thrown away and forgotten by the very people that I had thought would never do so. Those closest to me that I had believed would always want was best for me at all times. Writing it, it sounds a bit silly, doesn't it? Based on what we all know life and people are or can be really like. But this, hand on the bible, is a true insight to who I am and how the man-child in me still wants to view this world.

Sidebar - please do not read this and think that I have some kind of victim mentality. That is the furthest thing from who I am and my mindset. I have made NUMEROUS mistakes and I have hurt NUMEROUS people. I have been selfish, dishonest, small-minded, ignorant and just a flat out dipshit at times in my life. The difference for me; I can admit this, own up to this and I will continue to do my best to not make the same mistakes. But I digress....

Our world, our life is full of seasons. Winter, Spring, Summer, Fall... but as we have these seasons with the weather, we have the same concept of seasons with others in our lives. Each one coming to an end before the next one can begin and this is a circular path our life will continue to move on until the day we take our last breath on this rock. The difference in these seasons are much more complex when it comes to those that we let in, those that we encounter and accept into our weird little worlds. We can surely feel when Fall is leading into Winter - the air cools, the days become shorter and the nights longer. We have to wear different clothes and plan our days accordingly to these conditions. Further, paid "professionals" are able to communicate these changes before they happen. To the best of their educated abilities at the mercy of Mother Nature; they can inform us when it's time to break out those heavy coats so that we aren't caught out in the cold..... This is NOT the case with the people in our lives that might just be seasonal.

Wouldn't it be nice if we had "weathermen" in our life that could warn us of these changes in the elements? See, if we go outside without a coat and it's cold, we can always run back in grab that coat that is going to protect us from the bite of the cool air. No real harm done. But this isn't the case when we let some one in that, ultimately, is going to provide that same frost to our spirits down the line. They seem warm at first, its a pleasant addition to the world around us and we dive right in.

Sometimes these people that come in to our lives are seasonal for reasons we can't not grasp until many years after the fact. We go through the process and, at least for me, all too often allow these people to linger around longer after they were supposed to exit from our story. The detriment is that we don't run back in and grab that coat; we stick around in that cold far longer than we are meant to until parts of us can't warm up the same way we could prior. We are stuck with that frostbite feeling. We are stuck with that stinging cold that they have brought for us.

You might read this and at this point think that I have some kind of answer to solving when someone is seasonal in our lives and when they aren't - because that is the other side of this that is so beautiful and what makes me and has always made me want to be around so many different people. There ARE those out there that are not seasonal - they are as permanent as the tattoos on my body. They will be in every chapter of my story until it's time to close this book for the final time. These are the relationships that make life compelling. These are the relationships that make life worth the struggle and the hurt that we all experience as we go through our own separate journeys.

The answer to these kinds of people, the permanent ones, is far more simple in its complexity than those that are seasonal. The reasons can be clear, but can also be used as the gauge for those that we need to cut out and allow that time frame to come to an end and move on. Those that are permanent in my life have very similar characteristics and traits that really have nothing to do with me and who I am. These people have love for me in the way that, whilst they can still be selfish, don't allow that to get in the way of caring for me. What I mean by this is simple; we are always looking after ourselves, this is self preservation that we must do, but whilst looking out for ourselves we can still give as much of us to those that we love in ways that doesn't project a sense or need for reciprocation from them. Because, as the seasons go, the best and closest relationships are also circular; each, usually at different times, needing the other for different reasons. There have been numerous times, especially in the last three years of my life, that I have had to draw strength from those closest to me and they have given this without hesitation. Understand, this is not free - I almost wrote that they give this freely, but that is not the case.

When we give ourselves to others this comes at a cost for us. This is a cost that we accept. This is a cost that we take on to our bottom line of our own self preservation. Because when we lean on others we are making a withdrawal from them emotionally, mentally and spiritually. Whilst at the same time, depositing our burdens, our strife, our need for their strength upon them. This comes at a heavy price at times, but those that are permanent will accept this cost time and time again and typically do so without complaint.

This is a concept of human interaction and structure that has taken me 39 years to come to, even SEMI understand. Realistically, it's not been until the last six months of my existence that I have been shown what real love, sacrifice, com promise and real compassion actually looks and feels like. This a lesson and an understanding that I'm beyond any words thankful for that I have come to know and start to understand. But everything in our life is about timing. Everything in our worlds are intricate down to the finest of details that either makes us ready or not to accept such relationships. Typically at the behest of our own wants.

That said, on the other side of that coin, those that are seasonal can be measured and weighed by what I've described above with the "permanents". If we pay close enough attention, look for the signs, listen and pay attention to the slightest shift in the air around us; we can sniff out that snake in the grass. We can see them before they ever have the opportunity to coil up and strike. We may not see them right away, but we can start to get a feel for where they might be. We can start to identify those that are only going to be around for a certain set of reasons for the season of our lives that we are in. Perhaps they are there to provide us a lesson on patience and grace. Perhaps they are there to show us that we are not believing in ourselves the ways that we ought to be. Perhaps they are there so they can show us not what love IS, but what LOVE ISN'T.

I was always guilty of feeling that if a friendship ended or it just fizzled out that it was in some capacity from my own doing. I felt I had done something wrong or I hadn't done enough; never understanding that it is actually OK for people to come and go. That is just life. Sometimes people are apart of our worlds for a short time before their worlds take them off somewhere else. These things are ok, they are more than ok, they are NECESSARY.

As long as we can see the worth in the time that we spent and take the lessons from these seasons we will be stronger as the next one, surely as they do, rolls back around. The next winter we will have a better coat, and the next summer we will appreciate the warmth longer than we did the previous season. That is to say, not everyone is that snake in the grass, not everyone entering and leaving our lives is because of a negative outcome. It can simply be the changing of a season.

What I can end on is this; while I still love being around a room full of people, mostly, I've learned that the circle I keep, those closest, are not seasonal. They are my permanents. These matter far more than any event, any crowd, any accomplishment I could ever participate in at any point in my life. Appreciating the elements of these people that make them permanents is what makes life grand. Sharing this short time we have with those that only want to do the same with us makes it all worth the while.

Appreciate this. Don't run from it. Don't let fear get in the way of it. Dive head first and let the rest fall where it may. In doing so, I can almost guarantee, you will never regret giving yourself fully to those that want to do the same for you.

J.L.Copeland