I spent a greater part of my early life being called, "cocky", "arrogant", "conceited". None of these terms are flattering in the slightest. None of those pet names were inaccurate; I was in fact those things. Growing up, as I did, with a lot of kids around me of all ages - mostly other boys, like me, that absolutely LOVED competition and it was sink or swim on the block. Looking back, I don't think I was naturally born competitive; instead I believe that it was something crafted and molded in to me the moment I caught my first "front yard" touchdown pass. The admiration and celebration of being "good" in that capacity was intoxicating. I could see it in my dads eyes and the pride behind them, my moms smile saying "that's my boy" and the defeat in the eyes of my friends that weren't as fast, weren't as athletic, weren't as good - they KNEW and I LOVED IT.
I fell in love with competing. But confidence in competing, especially when the playing field is leveled, is earned through the fires of defeat and embarrassment. That badge was awarded by my mother. Yes, my mother.
One Saturday morning after a recreational league soccer game was the day I graduated from being a player to being a competitor. I'd like to note that I was about eight and it was a "recreational" league soccer game that changed everything. I had only been playing for a little bit and I was apparently a bit too stand-offish for my moms liking. Her account was that it had been several games of this pussified style of play that I was presenting. That morning she had enough of watching her son play like a pansy. SHE ABSOLUTELY LAMBASTED ME (she will always downplay this, but my account of this day is 1000% accurate, no embellishing.) That car ride home from the fields is one I will never forget. It's one that I am so thankful for because I wasn't seeing my own potential and she RIPPED it out of me.
I'll always say that confidence has to be earned, but I will also say that confidence is a choice. While I listened to my mom, basically, tell me how much of a sissy I was I decided never again. For your own mother to call you out like that....? Boy, I'll tell you two things for certain: 1. A mother absolutely should do this. 2. I NEVER wanted to hear it again. Ever.
What she did that day was stir a fire inside of me that was there, I just didn't recognize it. She awakened that slumbering beast deep inside of me. From there on out, the field was a release. The field was a battlefield and I didn't care if you were my teammate or the other team, I was going to be the best on the field and tell you about it. At about five years old I traded in cartoons for ESPN and watching the greats like Jordan, Ali, Romanowski and the lot; I noticed they all had something in common? They talked loads of shit. If they were beating you, they let you know. If they were losing, they reminded you that they were still better. Most importantly, they played for blood.
It wasn't until someone who loved me and could see the potential and slam dance me into it, that I woke up. That I saw it all clearly and put it together for the first time.
What's the point in all of this? Great question.
That mindset didn't stay on the field. The problem and gift of it all was that it bled into my everyday life. I couldn't separate competing on the field from regular day to day. So I wanted to be better than everyone at everything. I wanted to compete in every way possible. That bear my mother poked all those years before wouldn't go away. It never slumbered. While the cockiness, ego and arrogance are not looked highly upon - NO ONE IS GOOD AT ANYTHING WITH OUT SOME OF EACH. Or a lot of each and I believed that whole-heartedly. Most of the people that don't like it are those that don't understand. They themselves have not set a higher expectation because they were too afraid, too lazy or too weak to get into the arena. They don't understand the addiction and the truth of the matter is, they couldn't handle it. I lived unapologetically. People didn't like me because of it. Do you think I cared? I really didn't. Their feelings were not my responsibility unless I had gone out of my way to hurt them and that is a different thing entirely.
But the world has changed considerably since those days. Being confident, cocky, arrogant or whatever strong words you want to use for one that has self-belief is now "triggering". It's "toxic masculinity". Let me clarify before you freak out; the implication isn't to be a prick. Cocky and humble can sleep in the same room. It's just when and how. However...
The greatest disservice we have done for our children, as a collective, was to water down competition. "No score leagues" and "everyone gets a trophy" is absolute bollox. The kids know it. The non-fragile, real world, not constantly triggered, doesn't lead with their feelings kind of parents know this, as well. What does this teach? Everyone is even. Working hard is just as good as being lazy. It's a mindset that we have to constantly be on watch and accommodate for the sensitive ones.
Or do we?
Here's what I'm digging at with this post; screw that. Losing is a good thing. It builds character. Losing provides you a choice - give up or dig in? You can't be good at something if you're not willing to suck at something first. You can't be great at something if you don't build the confidence and self belief necessary to go through the failures first. You can NOT be successful at anything if you're consistently worried about everyone else's "feelers". Remember my friends at the beginning of this post? The ones that I loved seeing defeat in their eyes? That bit... Maybe don't take it that far, but live with absolutely no apologies for going after what you want from this life. Don't feel bad for being better at something than someone else.
I ask this...
When did it become wrong to follow your heart? When did it become offensive to be "obsessive" over a passion? When did it become necessary to apologize for being better or the best? I say fuck em and when necessary let them know about it. We could use some brass balls in our society these days. Just so I don't get in trouble for not being "gender inclusive", the "brass balls" comment is a figure of speech.
I'm being brash, I know, but if you follow your heart and the path God is laying out before you - be proud for taking it. Be proud for being brave enough to follow it. Remember those that clap for you (but get caught up in it) and forget about those that attempt to hold you down. If anything at all, use them as fuel. Use that hurt of past failures to stoke that fire to win. Take that failed relationship and utilize it to BLOW UP on what life used to be and turn it into what your life SHOULD be.
Self-belief is the foundation and confidence is frame work that holds it up. Find and choose both. Build it and let those around you see you do it. No apologies. The only one you should ever apologize to is YOU for not taking the strides to better yourself. Period.
Navigate Unapologetically
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