Fear Doesn't Want To Rock The Boat

When I was in 7th grade our drama class was putting together it's first BIG production. There was a buzz between myself and my friends, even though we were far from being thespians. On the contrary, we were massive goofballs that liked to have a good laugh, usually at one another's expense. So when the opportunity arose for us to grab the lime light in this play, we JUMPED!

Naturally, the competitive side of me kicked in and kicked in hard. While I had no acting experience other than the half-assed monologues and skits we had put together in drama class, I felt I was absolutely the right fit for the Main Part! I don't recall who that character was all these years later, but my drama teacher and director of the play did not share the same sentiment of my role in the production of "Don't Rock The Boat". Not even close, in fact, she didn't even feel that I was gifted enough to have a speaking part in the play. To this day, I do believe this decision was made in a bit of haste and biased because I was "Sailor #2". My two closest and loudest buddies in the class were "Sailors #1 and #3".

As I write this, I realize, without a shadow of a doubt that this decision for parts was made purely out of bias and not of talent. ;)

While my acting career was not off to the best of beginnings, I did find the silver-lining in my disappointment. "Sailor #2" had a scene where he's supposed to slip and fall whilst attempting to help in the investigation taking place on the boat. So in my young, 7th grade brain, I made the decision I was going to go BIGGGGGG. That slip wasn't just going to be a quick fall to the floor, oh no.. Oh NOOO, Mrs Crabtree. This fall was going to be the most ground rattling, auditorium startling, calamitous "slip" the world has EVER seen. During rehearsals I kept the magic to myself. I told no one of my plan.

No. One. Was. Ready.

My brother, who was in attendance that evening, recaps this story in a way that I love to hear. To get the perspective of an audience member that had a fabulous view of my shenanigans has always brought a smile to my face.

BUT......

Opening night arrived. Most of the evening I stood off stage watching as the other kids in my class ushered in and off stage left and right. Delivering their lines and then rehearsing their next set once the escaped the view of the crowd behind the curtain. As I stood there, watching the play, in my little Cracker Jack sailor suit (this would impact me in my adult life in one of the reasons why I DIDN'T join the Navy) the nerves started to sink in... I had never "performed" in front of that many people in my life. There were probably 300 but it might as well have been 10,000. I started to think maybe I should just do the regular slip, the kind of slip people would be expecting. One that would be more "normal" for the given scene and so that I didn't "rock the boat..." I started to doubt myself and what I had believed over the course of the last month and a half rehearsing for this moment.

I kept thinking, my mom and dad are going to be SO embarrassed of me. My friends are going to think I'm a complete idiot and cast me out for such an idiotic decision. I didn't even have speaking parts, but I was uncertain and the doubt was real. This being the first time I remember anything I in my life making me paralytic... Too afraid to take action.. It was a first. Then....

"Sailors, you're up!"

Too often the "professionals" attempt to dissect why people don't strive towards a passion, why they're unwilling to take a risk, or take a chance on themselves, but instead, merely curl up into a turtle shell for a safe, unchallenged existence. The common assumption of said pros are this;

"It is a fear of failure that keeps many in place...."

This is not untrue. HOWEVER..... Failure is but a sliver of what causes the fear for many. A fear of failure means that one is scared the collective of efforts will fall short of perceived notions of success. This is "actionable fear" based on the talent required to achieve and reach the peaks of a field.

But, put SUCCESS in your back pocket, as it is subjective. Success is malleable and will look different based on location, religion, status, gender, intelligence, etc.

What REALLY keeps us on hold?

How do you look at your opportunities?

Do you create them or patiently wait for them to knock on your front door?

There's a LONG list of answers, solidified by practically for these questions in our brain. All of which, all of these "reasons" is simply FEAR masquerading around.

We go back to me stage left, behind the curtain about to go on - the fear set in. My legs were heavy, my breathing rapid and my mind racing. But this physical reaction to the situation had nothing to do with the performance I was about to give. THIS I KNEW was going to be spot on. The overhead kick I was about to conduct as a slip was something I had done time and time again on the soccer field. That said, there was a slight concern with this execution as the stage was hard wood not a soft patch of grass to land upon. I was aware that the landing was going to be painful, but seeing as though I was, clearly, a method actor, the pain from the landing was necessary for the part. It was necessary because when someone falls in the real world, people are thrown off, shocked, take a moment of pause so their brains can process what their eyes have just communicated.

The execution of my task, my ability to perform it provided me no cause for concern.

But this is when the step family, cousins and nephews of fear appear in most of our worlds. When we put ourselves out there, go against the grain and shake things up; others are bound to notice. Therefore, others will undoubtedly judge us as humans, our performance, our past and write off the future they perceive we have in our hearts. This, this is where doubt is born for those attempting to strive. Doubt in the direction they feel led, doubt in the path they're attempting to take, doubt in their ability and ultimately, doubt in themselves and any potential affirmation of their passion.

All of this takes place as we, ourselves, are attempting to wrap ourselves around a self belief that would manifest such change, such trajectory not adjacent to the measure our life has been held to for so long. We are defeated before we even begin. We are defeated before we even have the chance to fail.

So if this were true, how could our lack and or inability to strive be only due to a FEAR OF FAILURE?

The fears we face are fear of ACCEPTANCE, fear of BELONGING, fear of RELEVANCE, fear of REJECTION, fear of RIDICULE, fear of SUCCESS and THEN a fear of FAILURE.

"Sailors, YOU"RE UP!"

I took my first step towards the center of the stage. That first step felt like cinder blocks on my feet. But I took it. Then the next step and the one after. With each one, they became easier, they became lighter - the lights and sounds around me became less hectic and began to settle in to a place of still and calm within my, once pacing, mind. I didn't notice the crowd, I didn't even notice my good buddies on my left and right. I no longer was thinking about if my mom and dad would be upset or embarrassed. The last thing on my mind was whether or not I would look like an idiot and be banished from my friend sets. The moment provided me tunnel vision to one thing.. my mark.. the only thing I could see was that blue, painters tape, X on the floor. This was my mark. It was the destination for which I was supposed to unleash HELL!

ACTION!

The first step will look different for all of us. Undoubtedly, the first step will also be the difference between all of us. Those that do and those that do not. That first step towards a destination, regardless of all the fear one might feel, will be the defining line between those in the area and those damned to make excuses for eternity.

Because the fact of the matter is simple; when we take risk that risk will certainly accompany a level of fear. The bigger the risk, the greater the opportunities for fear, in every aspect of it. Your goal is knowing that each step is a destination further away from the past and one more closer to a life better lived. Do not focus on all the things that could go wrong, take inventory, but then put the list away for the one that details all that will change. All the ways in which it will enlighten a world that can, too often, seem very dark and cold.

I might not be much to look at. You might view my life and say, "But Justin, you're not famous, you're not wealthy, you're not super fit, you have few highlights....." You would be correct; I am not any of those things in your perspective. But what I can assure you is that everything I have wanted to accomplish in my life, I have put myself out there and have either succeeded at or I went down trying to only rise up better for it and with a new, shinier projection. I have been able to do so because I welcomed the fear and utilized it for movement, because at the end of the day, my BIGGEST FEAR is A LIFE NOT LIVED.

My part in "Don't Rock The Boat" was minimal, but my slip and fall was epic. The crowd cheered and laughed and gasped and, even though I didn't speak; they sure as shit remembered me in that play. BOTH NIGHTS.

So rock the fucking boat. Throw yourself into your life. Accept that the harder you do the harder you'll fall, but that will never hurt more than never stepping out stage left to begin with. Rock that fucking boat.

J.L. Copeland