Lasciare Andare

We sat there at that restaurant table, queso and chips absolutely destroyed from how hastily we ate them in-between breaths of a very engaging conversation. It had turned into a warm day - after-all, we had just spent the last two previous hours outside at one of the soccer games that I had to coach that morning.

We were sweaty, glistening, her hair was matted to the sides of her face beneath the ball cap.

But there was an anxious, calm about the table. She continued to smile as she looked at me beneath the brim of her hat - it was pulled down snug and low to her face which was a shame because I kept thinking it hid how pretty her eyes were. I couldn't stop talking. I don't know what I rambled about, but, ironically, she did the same. The flow of it all was easy, as if we had done this time and time before for years before.

All time was lost. I had another game that I had to get to that I ended up being late to because I couldn't pull myself away from her. We didn't look at our phones. We didn't look at our watches. We didn't care because we were in that moment; taking in each others every move and hanging on every word. It was one of those meetings where we both felt so ALIVE.

This was our first date. It was the first time we had actually been able to just sit within one another's company and enjoy it. The time flew by as much as it seemed to stand still. We got caught up. We were instantly connected. We even reconnected later that evening for "part 2" of our first date.

Needless to say, that first lunch, our first date was one that would turn in to five years of an on again, off again relationship that became as horrendously ugly as it had ever been beautiful.

This happened very slowly.

I don't say that to say that this relationship was all wrong. It had its periods where two people couldn't have been more happy with one another - or better put, more that we enjoyed each others company. We enjoyed a lot of the same interests. There were times when things were extremely difficult and we were there for one another. We shared grief, we shared disappointments, we shared successes and failures. We shared some of our greatest happiness. That part of it, well, it was beautiful.

However, it morphed into something that was far removed from the aforementioned and no where close to being who those two people where at that little lunch table on their very first date of so, so many to come.

Over the years, it became toxic and in the last few months of it there was nothing but lies, manipulation and a person being about as despicable as one can be to another human being.

Looking at this now, I'm not sure why either of us stayed as long as we did? I'm not sure why I chose to continue to believe the lies? I'm not sure why I didn't run for the hills over a year ago when those lies were so obviously apart of this persons being and who they are with me... and maybe, just, in fact, who they are. It had become apart of everything this person did, not just with me but with others, with her current boyfriend and even some of the few she had in-between. Lies. Toxic.

So why didn't I move on? Why didn't I let go sooner? It's a question that, as I sit here, I almost laugh at myself for not having a good enough answer.

This post is not about airing out dirty laundry, nor is it about bad mouthing someone that doesn't deserve to be written about. No, this is about understanding what it means to "Let Go" - "Lasciare Andare".

What I've come to realize about myself and a lot of people - is that I have a hard time of letting people go. This is because of "IDEAL". It's because I refuse to see the past for what it actually is and live in a present that is made of what the relationship "could be" if things were just different, or if "that" had been done differently, or said slower, sweeter, softer.

This is why I could sit and be lied to repeatedly, be made to look like a fool and actually being one for still caring enough to believe them. Let me back track on that - it is never foolish to be honest and open. A person that takes advantage of that through deceit is, simply, just a piece of shit and it will come back to them - and it does. People who behave in this manner are typically the ones the most alone, have the most toxic relationships and get thrown out in the wash time and time again.

Unfortunately, we all too often don't want to see the writing on the wall. We don't want to accept that sometimes loving something or someone might not be enough. Sometimes all of those little things can create a wedge that can not be recovered. Knowing when this has happened is one of the more difficult things to recognize. This is usually the most devastating when it comes to our relationships.

But that realization is something that will ultimately come. This is when the letting go has to happen.

The beauty of being able to let go is the realization that that "thing" in your life that has ultimately taken so much from you, no longer has any say. It no longer has any power over your self belief, your personal happiness and the positive direction your life can now move.

If I had to go back to all those times that I had to let go of something or someone, I would tell them "thank you". Why? Because I have been able, in a very short amount of time, to let go of all those years that weren't healthy for having them apart of my life. I'd say "thank you" because it's allowed me to reach a place where I can say I'm, finally, truly happy. The stress of that toxic weight has lifted and the beauty of life, sans that weight, can finally show itself again.

The freedom of this is massive - but we blind ourselves in the moment because of the hurt, because of the wanting it to be different, because, in the end, its not typically one big thing that is the root for the end; no, it's a ton of little moments missed, words said out of anger, emotions lost through pride and ego. We blind ourselves by not letting go. We blind ourselves by not realizing on the other side of setting it free, it free's us to be open to the next thing, the next person that truly wants to treat us the way that we deserve to be treated and should expect to be treated.

For so long I have been guilty of not seeing this in myself. Of not letting go. Of holding on to the what-if's and what could be's.

In the past year I have been able to come to the understanding of just how important it is to see when it's time to let go. When it's time to cut out that cancer that you've allowed to grow and maintain within your life.

Because of this growth, the direction my life has been able to take and move has been some of the best twelve months of the last three years of my life. The slow fade of what I wouldn't let go of has now allowed me to be the best version of myself for myself and for my boys, my family and for my friends.

I think back still to that lunch table. If I had known then what I know now would I have done anything differently? Barring a few things, I would not. Because even with all that transpired, I still got to sit across from that little smiling face. I got the experiences and stories from it that can never be taken away. The growth from all of it has made me a better man. All of that time, good and bad, taught me the importance of knowing when to let go. When the race has been ran and it's time to stop running.

The last bit of this is the ability to love someone enough to let them go - not because it's healthy just for you - but because you're someone that has become a barricade in the way of their happiness. To know that there is love and the ultimate way of showing that love is to set them free. To let go. To move on.

Lasciare Andare

J.L. Copeland