Navigating The Rut

This is a topic that hits home. It's been on my heart - this has been on my heart because it's been the last two months of my life. The other side of what I'm about to lay on you is that it's so relatable each and every one of you could write about it yourself. You could manifest the story inserting your variables for how this impacts you. How you've seen it impact your loved ones. The level at which this infects us is unmeasurable, incalculable as far as how far reaching it will be or how long it can last.

This will be a tough post. It will be more raw and transparent than I am comfortable with because it leaves me out there for you to see. These words will be coming through the walls I've crafted so carefully as a defense mechanism for nearly 40 years of life.

There are wounds that we carry and we carry them unknowingly day in and day out. The problem with carrying something is that after a certain amount of time that weight becomes unbearable. It doesn't matter how small we might see that "thing" as being, eventually, it will wear on us. It will drive us into the fetal position if we continue to hold the load (insert whatever joke here you'd like.. you know who you are...)

What happens when we carry an emotional wound, an emotional weight is that it builds into and spills over onto others, onto our work lives, our relationships, our goals, our desire, our motivations. The festering begins to boil and, eventually, that festering boil is going to pop. This can be depression. It can be alcoholism. Addiction to porn. Addiction to materialistic desires.

But why? Why do these things manifest so deep inside of us that we can't see them any longer for what they are or where they even came from?

If you think of holding a cup - it's light, it's easy to hold. Even if you add a liquid to it, the weight of that cup isn't going to break your joints under the weight of it. Hold that cup that's filled up long enough, you're going to grow tired, you're going to grow weary and you will, without a doubt, drop that cup unless you put it down. You will cave.

So these weights we carry, these "cups" if you want to be ridiculously cliche with some shitty imagery - put us, at times, into a "rut".

What is a rut? What does that mean or what am I trying to convey to you in regards to being "in a rut"?

This could be a number of things, some singular in action at times, others all at the same time, but it's typically along these lines:

• No motivation.

• Everyday is as repetitive as the last.

• Feelings of discontent or being unfulfilled.

• Wanting to change, but afraid it won't work.

These factors are "The Rut". How deep we go down into the rut is dependent upon the weight we are carrying that started the dive in the first place. It depends on how long we've been (back to the cup) holding that cup. The longevity of the rut is also impacted by how well we've positioned ourselves to understand this happens and the mechanisms and sources one utilizes to remove themself from the spiral, from the dig as to not be buried by it.

What do you do when you feel this coming on? When the weight begins to get to be too much?

• Write

• Workout

• Play music

• Read

• Pray

• Meditate

• Speak out/Transparency

This itemized list is a go to for most of us - one of if not many of these items are used by most of us to stay out of the funk and to get out of said funk. It PUTS THE CUP DOWN.

I mentioned at the opening that this one would be difficult for me because of the transparency. Here's that part; I'VE NEVER FELT GOOD ENOUGH.

That's it. That's my big secret. But that is also the large ass, fucking monster sized, Route 44 cup I've been carrying for, well, as long as I can remember. What does this mean for me?

Put simply, no matter what I achieve, no matter where I've been and the things I've accomplished that most have not - the friends that I've made, the relationships I've obtained - none of it is enough, because I have yet to still do "good enough". This does not mean that I do not cherish all these things that I've mentioned. Nor does it mean that I don't have pride for the parts of my life that are book worthy, because they are. The people in my life are fucking book worthy. They're beautiful. They're amazing.

However, from an early age I was engrained with the concept that we do our very best, always. Maybe it was reality or maybe it was what I put on myself, but the feeling was that what I did had to be perfect. If it wasn't perfect, regardless of how hard I had worked, the affirmation was lacking for the achievement if there wasn't perfection illuminating from it. Enter your own variable here.

Does this sound like I'm bitching about my parents? If it does, get that out of your damn head; this is far from that. I want to clearly state, again, that my perception of my expectations from there could have been and probably were skewed. That said, INTENT and IMPACT on a child are two totally separate things. I know that my parents loved and love me - there goals for my moral compass and foundation were riddled with religious undertones and context. My mom taught me of compassion and understanding. My father taught me work ethic and grit. I was fortunate to have them both.

That said, I do, still, feel the constant need to perfect. To be the number one and too often, I am simply not. While I have stated I am proud of so many things, I am also carrying some regrets, weights, from my past that I have yet to figure out how to put down. I have constantly wondered if I am good enough for my father. I wasn't good enough for my asshole grandfather on my mom's side. Neither was my brother, neither was his own daughters.

He made his choices and he died with those choices. It's a weight I put down. It's a cup I have emptied and put away forever.

The weight I carry with my own father, though.... I'm still holding that. I'm still fighting with that. If he were sitting here, he might tell you or tell me, "Son, you shouldn't feel this..." But I do. I believe accountability is the foundation to change. It's the most important and often overlooked catalyst to reaching higher levels of personal growth and prosperity. I have and will continue to take accountability for the perception of my reality or the perception of my dad's reality towards me and whether or not I have made him proud.

What I will say, as I'm using this weight as an example with my own father, is this; each member of a party is responsible and elemental to the success of that party. If one brings dip but the other doesn't bring chips - enjoy using your fingers. Silly analogy, but I'm sure you get where I'm going with this. The relationship with my parents are as much my responsibility as it is theirs. Being able to openly communicate is done differently, processed differently, viewed from opposite angles from our own experiences as we navigate our own lives. My parents are human; they have flaws, they have fears, they have hurts - I speak of humanizing everyone as often and as much as possible to provide a level playing field to find understanding.

But I digress....

The fact is this - I have wounds that I've allowed to fester. I have wounds that I continue to pick at and do not allow to heal; whether they are perceived wounds or actual, they are wounds nonetheless.

I mentioned previously that one of the ways to work through a rut is to communicate said rut to a close friend, to your person. I want to and will put this point in bold because I see so many fucking dipshits out there that are "influencers" or "content creators" that talk about masculinity as being stoic, as carrying your burden singularly at all times. Here comes my bold text - FUCK THEM AND FUCK THAT!! My granny didn't appreciate me using swear words so I will only put that in bold once.

But I'll say it twice - FUCK THEM and FUCK THAT! (if you don't like that word read a different fucking blog, respectively.)

There is a level of machismo allocated to those that can articulate their pains. There is a level of manhood established when you can realize the hurt that you're feeling is becoming to heavy. I'll correlate this to weight training - When you're pushing high weight, do you do so without a spotter? If you don't use a spotter, because you're that guy, is your ability to perform at a higher level diminished? Is you ability to break through the weight barrier you're at become stronger? If you don't know the answer to this question and you're in the gym, stop. Now.

You WON'T break through that weight barrier without a spotter because you NEED that spotter to get you through those last few reps. You NEED that spotter to assist this effort so you can reach the maximum efficiency of your muscle fibers for that particular movement.

So when you hear these morons speaking of pushing through like a loan wolf at all times being masculine - shut them out - they're working without a spotter and will burn out.

If you're in a rut, find your spotter.

Now I want to turn RUT into an acronym that will, ideally, help you identify a path out of the mental and emotional conundrum you find yourself.

• R - Recognize/Realize

• U - Understand

• T - Target

Recognize that you're experiencing something and embrace that you are, first and foremost. The problem with a rut is that it can be very, very sneaky in its inception. The process of realization could take weeks - for me, this previous rut took a month before I recognized what I was feeling. I had to come to terms with the fact that, for whatever reason or reasons, I wasn't operating at full tilt. My ability to find my drive and my purpose was shuttering about and hard to grasp onto with any consistency.

Do not feel ashamed or embarrassed when you have recognition or the realization that you're experiencing this down tick. It is ABSOLUTELY normal for everyone. The most motivated, "successful", driven people all experience this. You're not abnormal or weak for falling into a rut at times.

This is where understanding comes in to play. This is the next step in the moving on and through this rut and finding the other side to be stronger and better than where you were when the rut started. The understanding of the rut is several fold. You need to understand a few things:

• It's normal

• What is the cause?

• Coming to terms with the cause.

Once you stop feeling sorry for yourself and know that you're not a special snowflake with all these impossible issues; the process of identifying WHY or WHAT can begin. My two month pity fest was due to the fact that my old and consistent demons came sneaking back in to my heart and mind. "Justin, you're not doing enough. You're a fraud. You're weak. You're not doing enough for your boys...." And on and on it went before I realized why I didn't want to get myself out of bed as early every morning. It was why I couldn't get myself to shut off at night to get to sleep. Why I couldn't write, why my patience was thinner and why I couldn't get myself into the gym without having to fight myself regularly over it. I felt like I was failing - this failure complex fed back into the aforementioned "cup" of not being good enough for my dad. Not being good enough for my mom, my friends, my brother, my boys, etc.

Understanding can now provide focus. Focus can now shed light on the TARGET. Target being the T in our RUT acronym - here is we start to pull out of the emotional mess we have found ourselves in for so long. Recognizing you feel like shit, recognizing that you're not happy with your current station and then taking the strides to understand it, identify it now acts as the fuel for that fucking fire to burn to move past it and out of it.

For two months I was moping about, feeling sorry for myself and running with that weight of not being good enough. But what happened was I finally woke up from it and said, "screw all of that in the fucking neck!" I have so much more to give. I am still in the fight and I OWE it to MYSELF, to my boys, to my family and to my friends to carry on. To keep moving forward.

I recognized where I was at, I have come to understand it and from there, can keep my eyes on the prize. To continue to grow as a man and lead for other men that might find themselves in the same place. Because, conversely, to that cold trimmer of inadequacy; is a piercing burn to rise. It's a ferocious ember that ignites the passion I have to stand up, to succeed and to show my boys how a man continues to overcome life's adversities.

Do not be confused; falling into a rut is just that, you've fallen. It might not be flat on your back, but one knee and hand might be touching dirt. This is uncomfortably close to a prone, unprotected position; because you can't see what's in front of you and one can't see what is behind - the only focal point is looking at the mud and grime of what's beneath you.

C Joybell once wrote, "You will find that it is necessary to let things go; simply for the reason that they are heavy. So, let them go. Let go of them."

Put the weight down. These ruts manifest because you're carrying things that you should not. Free yourself of what you couldn't, can't and will not control. Recognize, understand and then target those things that are within your grasp, interpretation and manifest those into a power that nothing can strip you of.

J.L. Copeland