I read recently that you can guarantee you have childhood trauma when you won't walk away from those that treat you poorly, but instead work to get them to care for you the way you want them to. That stuck with me. The insight behind this made me look, not only at my current relationships, but also the patterns and behaviors of those closest to me.
So much of us spend this energy attempting to gain approval. We want to fit in and feel as though our presence has an importance to others. We seek to be that missing piece in others lives that if we were gone they would take notice. They would know something was missing from them. More importantly, we want to know that our short time here has meant something. It doesn't matter who you say you are, what you say you are, we ALL seek this. It is of the utmost human nature to be apart of a tribe. It's not just being apart of a tribe but holding position within that means we are relevant.
I notice two resounding patterns; one fits into the aforementioned lack of ability to walk away, the other is the polar opposite of seeking that affirmation of companionship. I'll start with the latter and some it up in one word - isolation. I don't fully intend to suggest here that some of us just lock ourselves in and go lone wolf, that is one method of handling the perceived rejection to relevance. What I'm referring to is an emotional isolation. Often we refer to this as putting up walls, being cold, even to the extreme of narcissistic tendencies that tend to isolate us from real connection. Simply put, it is a defense mechanism that allows one to be with others but not be vulnerable enough to be hurt by a sudden end or break in that tribe. These folks tend to bounce from friend sets to friend sets, typically fueled by what variable they're utilizing to fill the void. Think of "booze friends", "gym friends", "work friends", "hunting friends". None of these groups are bad nor am I taking away from them, what I mean, simply, is that when the one is isolating moves on from that hobby or station in their life they do so with an ease that as if it never really mattered to them to begin with.
The other outcome of this kind of emotional isolation is a need to "use". That stale connection opens the door to utilizing those around us to fulfill a need. It's like self medicating in an emotional sense. Often it seems as though it's an intentional action or that the person is just selfish, a piece of shit. In a lot of ways, that's not wrong. But the WHY behind that is no different than that of an alcoholic that is utilizing the booze to fill a hole that's in them spiritually, emotionally and mentally. It doesn't project the true core of the individual, rather it's an outward projection of their inner pain. That loneliness they're trying to fix. They manipulate those around them in a poor attempt to feel as though they matter within that peer set. It's impossible not to feel the hurt of actions like this, it's almost impossible to want to forgive once that true intent is realized. However, this is where the "why" becomes such an important question to ask. But I'll come back to that.
The more common variable in us is that "need" to belong and so we can't separate from the want to show our closest friends or families or partner how we WANT to be treated by them. Even when they don't, even when time and time again they step all over the care and commitment you have shown to them. Even with all of that, we tell them what we want from them instead of recognizing that their actions have NOTHING to do with you or your worth. In reality, we allow this to continue because we measure our WORTH based on the thoughts, words and actions of those around us. I'm not going to sit here and pretend to know how to tell you to change this. I'm still working that out myself. Too often I have fought to show someone I care about how I want them to treat me instead of SHOWING them how to treat me.
A great friend of mine once said to me, "We SHOW those around us how to treat us...." Think about that for a minute - what does that mean? I'll start from the end and work back to the start of what it means to me. When someone doesn't value who YOU are for who you are, you cut them out. You WALK away. This isn't cold when you put this little hat on top of it - after you have given them a few opportunities to correct how they emotional abide by you and that behavior doesn't change - CUT THEM OUT. The amount of chances given is up to each and individual traveller. You'll have to figure that out on your own. As we back track in this pattern, the importance of knowing who you are is paramount. You have to know what you'll put up with, what your expectations are for you and from those around you. You set those expectations through how you carry yourself. Lastly you have to set the boundaries and not deviate from those boundaries. The biggest part of this is the foundation you lay. What is the foundation and how do you lay it?
Smash your fullest potential. You can't be complacent, risk advert, paralyzed by fear of failure or success. The foundation is set by you and you alone. In my times of greatest distraction; I didn't know where I was going, where I wanted to go and in a way, wasn't really sure who I was. If you can't identify this how can you even begin to expect to show others how to interact with you? The best way I've found to stay true - prayer and then action. So much prayer and then walking forward one step in front of the other not worrying about who is watching, who is judging, who is critiquing your moves. The bottom line is, if you're going after your mission whole heartedly - you wont have TIME to be concerned about the opinions or actions of others. That foundation you're laying will begin to bring around the kinds of people that have the same mindset. It brings around the kinds of people that see your value because it matches with their own. It's an unspoken agreement between you and those you draw in that says, "don't fack with me." I'm not here for games or bs.
When you start to live for you, the possibility of being another's doormat significantly diminishes.
Mind you, I don't write any of this as an authority of 100% accuracy. While this has worked for me, it might not for others. Life is life. Those challenges come regardless of how hard you work, how much you plan, how kind you are, how smart you are. Not one of us ever comes out alive. But we sure can be competitive with it for the time that we are allotted. What you have to know and come to understand is the WHY. Whether you're the person that isolates or the doormat - pinpointing the why you do or allow is the first step to changing it and becoming relevant to the most important part of building your tribe.. You.
Navigate Intentionally.
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