The Complexity of Stillness

"JUST BE STILL" the old nurse grunted as she was fighting to hold my legs down. Not sure if this woman was real or she only exists in my imagination. The truth leans towards she did actually exist because my brother remembers her as well. In my minds eye, this particular nurse was the old school, 40's and 50's kind of nurse - you know, with the little white hat and white jumper type outfit? Yeah, that was her; face built to frown and the darkest of eyes, I recall them being like coal in her head. Jet black hair and hands that were constantly cold.

Sounds like something out of a nightmare, right? It was. She was. "Just BE STILL!!"

Here's the context behind this woman that was sent straight by the evil one himself as one of his minions of chaos. Back in that time, and when I say back in that time, this was the late 80's and I was young. FOR WHATEVER REASON, anytime I had to go to the doctor for the check up this check up also came with a shot. AND NOT JUST ANY SHOT. Oh no, this shot was always a shot that had to be in my right or left butt-cheek and required Hellhound Nurse to hold me down to keep me from blasting the other nurse in the face like I was Ray Finkle and her head, the lace's in football.

Every single time.

I don't know why my parents subjected us to this kind of torture but, in the 80's, this was apparently routine.

I can tell you, I will never forget that woman. I don't know her name, I don't know if she actually existed, but I will forever see her face in my nightmares. I will forever think of her anytime I go to the doctor, even now as an adult, and have to get any kind of shot.

There's her coal eyes, pierced and drawn lips, colorless and cold just grunting at me - "JUST BE STILL" she was call out. Makes me laugh now a bit. I'm sure I haunted her until she passed as well. Mutual respect I guess you could say.

But since then, I'VE NEVER WANTED TO BE STILL. I don't know if I should give credit to what psychologist would only describe as a TRAUMATIC EVENT or if this is just a part of my being. I've always told those closest to me, specifically in the relationships I've had that I've always been a bit, "nomadic".

I have never been in able to stay in one place for very long; whether that be a bedroom, office or a town, city and/or state. There's a draw to be on the move. There's a calling in my spirit to continuously be out and in it. Involved. Constant motion.

Looking back and even as I write this now to an extent, I realize that this constant motion was not just external but fueled by a restless spirit. A soul that was in need. From my foundation, my inner caveman wanted to be on the move, never comfortable with being in the same space for very long. So...

Just being STILL was not part of my genetic make up. Didn't come naturally.

In my last blog, I wrote about "Taking the first step" as part of being a champion for oneself. Most of my young life, I don't feel I had a hard time with this. I could dive in to things and do things that seemingly would cripple others by the thought of it. Or they just lived in the love of the thought and never took action. I wanted to do and because of this lack of ability to BE STILL, I went and I did a lot.

That might sound positive. That might sound, dare I say, appealing. It had its moments and upsides, for sure. I won't say that it didn't and doesn't. But here's the downside to that restless spirit.

I never wanted to stay long, so I had a hard time staying in that "thing" or that "place" long enough to see it all the way through or to its full potential. This bled into every aspect and facet of my life. This need to move made it hard to stay in relationships; this impacted a lot of relationships. Platonic and romantic. I cared for these people, but that itch, that need to quench that thirst for movement would never stay at bay. This cut a lot of relationships short or never allowed them to fully flourish. It never allowed them to grow into the potential they had of growing in to. As I write this, I'm not suggesting that any romantic relationship was really impacted by this, instead this is more to do with the relationships I developed with some great dudes over those years.

The thing is, we never out run God. As I say this, I think of Jonah as it's been preached by my good friend and brother, Caleb Gordon. Jonah thought he could hide from, out run the reach of God's calling. Sounds like such a silly thing to Christians, or should, but we ALL do it. We all are guilty of this very same thing. We share a common thread with Jonah.

But just as we can not "out run" God, neither can we out run the enemy. The devil is always there, waiting, lurking just outside the door, waiting for that opportunity to get in. Waiting for us to provide just a crack, a sliver of chance and he pounces. No matter where we try to run, no matter how hard we attempt to hide in our indifference, fear or stagnicity, he is there too. No matter how far we run or how often we move, BOTH are still there. Ever vigilant.

The weight of this train of thought, or the importance to it is that because I was constantly on the go and cutting relationships off and the enemy and God were always one step away; in those times when life knocked me down, the enemy breached the doorway, I was alone. Not because I didn't have amazing people around me or because they weren't a phone call away, but because I was never setting up "home" within my own spirit.

My spirit was at war. Constantly restless. Constantly wanting more. Never ever settled.

There was no concept of inner peace, inner stillness for me. I didn't look at it, didn't take it seriously. I felt that I was just made this way, to be on the go, on the move and rogue from the normal boundaries of existence. Or so I thought.

"The stillness in stillness is not the real stillness; only when there is stillness in movement does the universal rhythm manifest." - Bruce Lee.

What in the hell is Bruce Lee on about? There's so many layers to unpack when it comes to being truly "still". But when we look to connect with the universe to connect with our surroundings we have to be in it - bare feet in the grass, quiet, controlling our breathing, slowing our minds to truly hear. We have to shut out the noise of our every day, the day to day and look to silently meditate. Mostly...

We must PRAY.

Until recently this was an element in my life severely lacking. Following God was not something high on the priority list. A year ago that thought process started to change. In that time frame the boys and I made a huge move. Left what had been home for almost a decade. Left comfort. Left friends. Left family. There was that nomadic side of me coming up again, but this time it was different. It was truly for what was best and, without being fully aware, what God was calling me to do.

I couldn't fully hear it because my soul was still clanging about, restless, anxious inside clamoring for something more. Stillness, peace, quiet - these things were elements of my life severely lacking and something I was LONGING for. Just to be able to connect again with the finer, more simplistic elements of my life again. A starry night, a quality, hard storm, cooler temperatures, less of the damn concrete all around and more of the green, rolling hills that only Oklahoma can provide.

Longed for it. It called to me.

That stillness is something that is becoming more and more abundant. Consistent prayer. Consistent appreciation of what I have right in front of me. No, it isn't perfect, far from it and I'm not, still, where I want to be. Realistically, I never will be. But working to do what God is calling me to do, being a God-fearing man, has provided that peace. That comfort. That stillness.

That attitude of gratitude goes along way when you're someone that enjoys the chase. When you're someone that enjoys overcoming the obstacles. Because that stillness, being thankful for what God has given in this very moment.. well.. friends, that provides contentment and satisfaction in ways nothing else can in this life.

This much I know to be true.

Navigate Intentionally.

Justin Copeland