The Mirror

There are echoes of our past life that reverberate through the very bones of our existence. These vibrations of time tickle up and down our spinal columns as ever-so, unpleasant reminders of what once was. They're permanent passengers. They never leave. They will never rest if one allows them to continuously frolic through the halls of their memories.

Our memories can haunt us. Past mistakes, decisions gone wrong, opportunities squandered, relationships ran ashore; these are the passengers to our present path. They tag along as long as we let them. The beauty of these little shits is this - when we look in the mirror they are master shape shifters, smoke monsters, magicians that will, in our own reflection, allow the brain to lie to the eyes in what they are actually seeing reflected back.

Instead of someone that has moved on, that is still standing, still breathing, still very much in the fight - these masters of morph show us failure, weakness, ugliness, insecurity, trauma, neglect, etc. The list goes on and that list will continue to reproduce. Our past now lives and breathes in us and it will impregnate even more of these ugly little deities to spawn more so.

The spread is catastrophic in its quickness. It's rapid. The effects of the spread, however, take time to reveal themselves.

I've stated in past blogs that I've got so much that I'm proud of; I'm a father. I'm a good friend. I work my fucking ass off and regardless of how often I fall, I pick myself up. I've served my country. Lived in numerous parts of the country. Pursued and succeeded at, several dreams. I've loved intensely and have been fortunate enough to have that same love returned ten fold. (they know who they are...)

HOWEVER, I carry a lot of different weights, some on my own accord and some not-so-much.

There was a time I could look into my mirror, with almost utter shock because of what looked right back at me. The face in the mirror wasn't mine. I couldn't recognize it and didn't want to. This vision mocked me. This reflection scolded me for being so weak. For being so vulnerable and alone. In this, I began to question everything I had ever done; where I had been, who I knew, all the questions began to rush in and pour over me.

What had I done with a decade of my life? This couldn't be it? Not for me, I know who the fuck I am and this is so far off base. I was overran with those chiggers of past memories, past failures, past let downs - and they were crawling all over my hope, my ambition, my drive.. basically consuming my spirit.

There came a point where I had to stop looking. I would avoid it all together. I couldn't stand hearing these demons anymore through the reflection of that mirror. It came to my attention that it was 'their' fuel - the critters in my spine. The passengers rummaging the halls of my mind. Those bandits of the past stealing my future. Time in that mirror was the opportunity necessary to wreak the havoc. To get stronger and to expand. To breed. To feed. And feed they did for so long I had to burn them out. I had to kill them from my mind.

We, especially us men, will do so many things to fix a problem without actually fixing it. We are weird creatures in that capacity. Facing it head on is overlooked due to fear, or completely avoided for the same reason. Self-medication. What poison drowns the noise out and what can we get our hands on that would numb this pain we are feeling until the numbness becomes comfortable?

Ironically, we become so numb that we have to reverse it through the same process that got us there in the first place. Like spraying fuel on embers, the fire will rage again.

Process starts over. It's ferocious.

No one knows what or how to begin when it comes to ridding ourselves of the guilt we feel from our past. Some, just with time, start to phase it out. They find forgiveness for these past sins simply through enough time and space between failings and their hearts. Others, well, we have to work at it. We have to seek out the support, the help to even identify what it is we are holding onto.

For me, I had to stop looking in that fucking mirror. I had to stop seeing what the ghosts of a yesteryear were offering in fallacy. That was the beginning.

The process hasn't stopped. The growth and change hasn't ceased to be apart of my every day life. One thing you have to understand is that IT NEVER WILL. If you take a break, if you let your foot off of that proverbial accelerator - those demons will find you. They're consistently and constantly waiting.

But understand forgiveness is the seed to growth. Forgiveness of ones self is the ultimate nutrient to realizing a new day. It is the cancer to the hosts feeding on your past. Know this, accept this, and allow yourself to start to heal. Do not wait until you "have it all together" because that will never happen while you're driving with your rear view.

Know that once you start to make this change there will be inevitable 'stings'. What I mean by this; when we live a certain way, we attract a certain persona. These persona's then become our 'friends'. In the midst of your change these relationships will surely start to fall off; if they do not, understand two things are more than likely happening:

1. You're not taking you seriously enough and that change is only living in want and not reality.

2. Those individuals could be working on their own recovery. They are morphing along side you.

Inevitably, you will lose these characters that were apart of your old story. They will fade out as you're closing one chapter and beginning the new. This will hurt. It will challenge you in ways that shakes your heart. When you've spent so long grafting for that 'thing' to fill the void - putting it down and moving on will be almost bittersweet.

Hear this, don't just read it, HEAR THIS; LET THEM GO. They are only taking up space for that individual or individuals that will FREE YOU. This could be the new you, a new relationship. LET THEM GO.

As I went through my own process of change there was a moment that happened.. It was slight, but in its slightness, the volume of it was at full tilt. I returned to my metaphorical mirror.

I stood in front of it, afraid to look up. The wave of white noise of emotion around me was almost deafening. It felt I could different. It felt uncomfortably comfortable. It took a minute that seemed like hours, but I slowly raised my gaze from my floor to the reflection. To that thing, that person I couldn't stand to see for so long.

For the first time in along while, we made eye contact. That contact stuck. What I realized was that looking back at me was a man that had made it. A man that was a tremendous father, a solid friend, a loving brother, a veteran, a man that wanted to continue to impact others in ways that were devoid for himself. That image was me, but not just a simple reflection it was the image of one that would lead and build legacy for his family.

HE had made it. He was still in the fight.

"Find solace in the darkness, find grace in the dim light of the morning, find joy in the shine of a new day."

J.L.Copeland