Un-Fathering the Father

Ahhh, this is one of my favorite and most passionate topics that I will probably touch on at any point in this blog. What it means to be a father; the responsibility, the mindset, the passion, the failure, the mistakes, the rewards - the list of emotions and tangibles just go on and on.

But where I'd like to start, before we add all the meat to these potatoes is, simply, my two boys.

They are 13 and 8, they live with me full time and we are navigating our world as only three males left to their own devices and devoid of a female do; LOUD, sometimes inappropriate, scrapes and bruises, interesting and, too often, disgusting smells... WE are dudes to the core and to the max.

My boys are live wires; my oldest is extremely intelligent, caring, passionate, innately capable of feeling the world around him at a level that, I imagine, is something that resonates down into his fingertips. He has BIG dreams, LARGE goals, but he also really likes his video games and time on Tik Tok and Fortnite- which I absolutely can NOT stand! Only parents will understand the disdain for that app. But, he has a good mixture of wanting to be technologically anchored like so many children today and that of one that loves his time being physically active. His qualities are ones he's fashioned and bred on his own, I can not take credit for so many of them as he has a compassion for people that I can't even begin to articulate. If you know me, his intelligence, very clearly, did not come from me! Ha!

Example of this - at about nine years old, he had the opportunity to work with people in a home for the elderly suffering from Alzheimer's and dementia. If you have had the unfortunate experience with either of these ailments, you know how destructive and gut wrenching they are for the families. So, when he first started going to the facility I thought it would be a flash in the pan; I thought, surely, when he saw what those diseases do to people that he'd surely run from it. I couldn't have been more wrong - he ran TO IT. He couldn't get enough of helping and caring for these elderly men and women in the autumn of their lives. It was the most beautiful thing that I have witnessed to this day.

He is one of the most incredible humans beings that I know and will ever know.

My youngest...... well, I'm not sure where to even begin with my youngest. I'm going to start with the image to the left here of 'Spot' from Good Dinosaur. If you haven't seen this movie, stop what you're doing and get on it, like YESTERDAY!

My youngest is like Spot in this way; HE. ISN'T. AFRAID. OF. A. THING! He was born with no 'f's' to give, if you will. He was also born with cleft lip and cleft pallet. Right out of the gate he was faced with challenges that he had to endure and ultimately overcome. I believe that this early experience has been the cornerstone for who he has become in his short eight years on this planet.

He is beautiful.

When he walks into a room, you notice. Not just because he's loud and will speak to anyone, but he has that "thing" that just draws you in towards him. His smile is magnetic. His personality intoxicating and his tenderness, comforting.

But, one would be fooled if they believed he was just a breath of fresh air. He will come at you like a hurricane if he disagrees or thinks that you're lying. He will absolutely take no shit from anyone; me, his brother, a passer by, Jesus, NO ONE. Plain and simple. I absolutely love this about him as much as it can be an absolute pain in my side.

All of this to say, I'm lucky. I'm lucky that God has given me two boys that I can, honestly say, I'm extremely proud to call mine.

However, their personalities, their beliefs, their feelings, their wants - vastly differ in so many ways. These things make raising them together a task to do so separately. It is a challenge to not put them in a fish bowl and pretend like what works for one is going to work for the other. But, that's not the focus here either; as a Father, the focus has to start with us - what are we showing them and teaching them, because they are watching, they are learning, they are listening through our every move and response to the world around us that also encapsulates theirs.

If we break down what we learned from our own and really took a deep dive and thought hard about our take away from our respective upbringing; it's the actions of our fathers that stand out the most. Was he the calm in the storm? Was he a people person? Was he respected? Did he work hard? Was he a loving husband? Was he caring? Did he tell you he was proud? Did he discipline fairly? Did he blow off at the handle? Was he a drunk?

We, as kids, watched and we learned from those experiences, not of words, but of action from our own father.

I look hard in the mirror lately - what the hell am I teaching these two boys about being men? What am I showing them that is a useful tool for their own lives? Have I provided them the steps, the process in breaking themselves against me to venture into their own manhood through the time I spend with them? Through the things I show and provide them? Am I listening to what isn't being said?

WE walk into parenthood with our ideas, with a plan as to how we will parent, but we all know, all too well, that these things change as we learn through our children. Reprogramming those ideas and belief systems are what help us continue to grow and look at how we are adapting for our children to the world that is consistently changing around them.

So, I un-father my idea systems of fathering these two boys.

This is the concept - literally today, I had to get on to my boys about fighting with one another. They were yelling and hooting and hollering with one another. I listened, I waited and finally knew I needed to step in. How did I step in? I raised my voice and commanded them to change their actions and stop that horrific behavior. Catch what I said? I. RAISED. MY. VOICE about them yelling at one another. How does that make any kind of sense?

It doesn't. It completely contradicts the message I'm delivering and cuts my legs off at the knees for their reasoning to respect said behavior - they are learning from me and my actions towards them and around them. They are listening and they are watching. Do not believe, dads or moms, for a second that they are not!

Look at yourself, look at what you want your kids to be and then look at yourself again. Are YOU what you would want them to be?

J.L. Copeland