Un-Fathering the Father - Part 2

I consider myself to be very fortunate; I'm a single father, have my boys full time and I get to watch them grow and learn on a daily basis. I GET to be a consistent part of that process. For this, I'm unbelievably blessed.

All too often, I hear those around me wishing for a break, complaining of not having a minute to themselves to be, just that, themselves. If you're a parent, you know this sentiment all too well. Being a parent is the most challenging thing that we will do in life, BUT, it is also the most rewarding in some of the most simplistic and complex ways.

I, myself, have moaned for the same things - hoping for a minute to myself, outside of locking myself in the bathroom for that short-lived 5-10 minutes of quiet time. Again, as a parent, you know exactly what I'm talking about. That said, my situation has allowed for an entirely different perspective and one that I engage with as much as humanly possible on my day to day.

See, we all know that we are working on a constant ticking clock - our children grow and grow like weeds, they do. Throughout their growth they reach different stages of what they want/need from us as their parents. My thirteen year old wants to be treated more like an adult - he's not that cutesie little kid anymore that giggles at the ridiculous faces that I make. He's also in that age where he no longer thinks of me as some kind of super hero and is constantly evaluating me as a father and as a man. He, as I call it, is "breaking himself" against me.

What I mean, is that I am his sounding board, his scratching post, his failure vs. success measuring stick. He challenges himself through me; as men, as fathers, we are that measuring stick for our boys. WE are in charge of helping them evaluating their own journey into manhood. John Eldredge, author of "Wild at Heart" refers to this as the, "questions of the father...." He states that if these questions aren't answered or, if they are answered incorrectly, they become "wounds of the father...." When stated this way, it really struck a deep and emotional chord for me.

My father was/is an amazing one; he is not perfect, he has flaws, but, growing up, his presence was always felt. He was there for my brother and I during the most formative years of our lives. He attended, basically, every single one of my sporting events, and there were 100's over the years. He attended the parent teacher conferences (too many), he was there when I needed to talk and he was there when I didn't. My dad was also the main source for discipline; in this way, I wish that job had been outsourced elsewhere!

My brother and I did the same thing that my oldest is doing to me - we measured who we were within the shadow that he cast. We tested ourselves again and again, against him. Pressing him, at times, to the point of breaking, that I'm sure of.

Now, for the nitty-gritty; there were things that my own father did that I carried into my role as a father with my two sons. Natural habits that I didn't even know were there, as they were learned through years of observation of my own. Some good, some bad. I have characteristics and traits from my upbringing that I have to undo. I have to "un-father" my approach to fathering my two boys. I have to check myself; far too often a man emotes his feelings, especially difficult ones, through anger. Am I disappointed with something my son did - handle that disappointment with anger. Am I hurt by something my son did - handle that hurt with anger. These are traits taught. These are traits learned.

One the flip-side - compassion, love, respect, confidence, accountability, forgiveness, spiritual awakening and growth, getting up when knocked down - all traits taught. ALL traits learned through observation.

My father, I can say, was/is an amazing father. I am fortunate, I am lucky and I am blessed in that regard.

We all walk into parenting with this same, underlying spirit of our own parents; almost paranormal like in it's existence around us. As I've already stated, my dad wasn't perfect - I've had to identify those characteristics from his style of parenting with my own. Do away with and hold on to the positives and the negatives from his attempts at being the best father he could be for us. I KNOW, without a shadow of a doubt, that my father has regrets; this is why I can say that he is a phenomenal parent. Any of the good ones will always reflect and WISH they would have done things differently, wish that they would have been there more for "this" or stepped back a bit for "that". This is a mark of a good parent.

For those that think they have it all figured out; you scare the shit out of me! I'd tell my players this simple rule, "the moment you think you know it all is the moment you stop learning..." I apply this to parenting - I don't know a damn thing about it and I am learning as I go. Thankfully, I have two, so the mistakes and successes of the first will, hopefully, make it better for the second! HA!

That said, we only get to do this once with each. It is IMPERATIVE that we constantly evaluate where we are in the journey for our children. What memories, what lessons are we providing them, because, they will surely learn. They will surely remember, consciously or subconsciously or both, they will take the lessons, that will become the foundation for their lives as adults.

How are you teaching them to live? How are you teaching them to be treated? How are you teaching them to treat others? Ideally, these answers aren't found solely in your words or lectures, but MOST importantly, your actions they will surely mirror.

Fathers, are you going to be remembered by your sons as "the wounds..."? OR will you be that prominent figure that provides the answers for those burning questions your sons have of you? Are you 'manning up' and finding your best self to lead your sons? You have to lead them, you have to guide them, you have to be the reason they find that baseline confidence in themselves as young men. Encourage them to dream, encourage them to accept their fears and learn them of bravery. Educate. If you haven't found this yourself, envelope yourself with the means necessary to do so. You only get this one opportunity before they have to venture into their own worlds - carrying confidence in who they are, or carrying more questions.

With that, I can't think of a better job in life. I can't think of anything that I could accomplish that would be more beneficial, more meaningful and more important than raising my two sons. Can you say the same? I leave you with this......

"Now we're just here to be memories for our kids. Once you're a parent, you're the ghost of your children's future...." - Interstellar.

J.L. Copeland