Un-Fathering the Father - Part 3

A study shows that the average life span is seventy nine years. That is 7....9..... I am thirty nine. This means I am at the half way point of my life. I am, basically, at that middle ground of a journey not yet fulfilled..... and that is if I hit the median life expectancy. (Thanks Ian....)

With that said, my oldest is thirteen and a half and this means that he has, roughly, 3 1/2 to 4 years before he is supposed to be out and on his own in this big ole world. Ideally, this will be the case for both of my boys - I want them, as soon as they are done with their high school education and done graduated, to be on their way to the college of their choosing and attacking a new adventure and milestone in their lives. I'd prefer it. I believe that diving in the deep end is one of the greatest ways to learn how to swim - notice, I didn't say the best, but one of the greatest ways... There is a difference.

But, I digress. I only have 4 years left with my oldest in my home. As a parent or as an older adult, we are all too familiar with how quickly these years will pass us by.

When I was a senior in high school an old baseball coach told me, while I was in detention for too many tardies, "Copeland, I promise ya son, you'll fall asleep tonight 18 and in the morning you'll be 40......" I couldn't be less concerned with that advice because he was old and didn't know what the hell he was talking about. I couldn't have been MORE wrong.

Now, as I said, I'm 39, my oldest son is not far from flying the coup and being on his own... I'm looking back going, "what in the WORLD just happened??" He's almost taller than me now, he's going through puberty, has a small little "stache" and is talking non-stop about girls. (I've made a rule that he shouldn't date until he's 30, but that's for another post) It's hard to recognize this person that is living in my home at times!

He used to be able to fit on my chest, he had that baby smell, he would give me sincere thumbs up over ANYTHING I did with a, "GOOD job DADDY!" accompanying that praise. I can't figure out where all of the time has gone.....?

So what is the point of my rambling? Our lives fly by us as we are planning for it; it creeps past us while we are hoping for the next "thing" to come along that's going to provide us that next level of fulfillment. The job promotion, the new car, the newer home, the ugly Christmas sweater party with our friends... It flies by us at warp speed because of recitals, parent teacher conferences, cub scout meetings, soccer games... and then... the next thing that creeps up on us.. It's done. They're grown. They're moving on into the first chapter of their OWN lives.

This fact hit me hard over the course of the last 6 months and in the last several I have started to put a massive plan into action that has done nothing but make my life and my kids life all more the better. It's simple.

DIS... CON..... NECT!!! Get off of your phones, smart watches, ipads, lap tops and tv screens. Engage with your children whilst they still want to engage with you. Set the pattern and the tone for what the expectations are for your household and what it means to be a "family" in this disgustingly, ridiculous technological world.

I cringe when I'm out and see all of the faces down looking at these tiny computers we can carry in our pockets. I cringe even harder when I see my own son practicing that same dark art, all while the world, the real life is passing him by. I won't even begin to describe how I feel when I catch myself doing the same thing.

That said, I'm not saying toss your digital handcuffs in the garbage (not the worst concept, bring back some pagers, please!), but if you're going to be on it, here is the strategy I propose. If you're utilizing technology it had better be for the betterment of your tomorrow. I'll say it again; IF YOU ARE USING YOUR TECHNOLOGY LET IT BE FOR THE BETTERMENT OF YOUR TOMORROW.

Better put, be INTENTIONAL. BE INTENTIONAL with your time that you spend on your email, your text messages, your phone conversations.

This doesn't mean you cut off from your job or your friends and family; conversations with them can be very intentional and very much are part of self preservation. Being paid is also an important part of taking care of your kids and yourself. Just a thought though.

It's imperative that, as parents, we are able to have those moments as us, just us. Ya know, those human beings that we used to be prior to creating other life forms that suck every last minute of our lives away....? HAHA! Kidding, but it's true, but kidding.

But parents, the time we have with them is a vapor, it's here and then it's gone. That time never comes back before they become their own individuals and with their own passions and lives separate from our homes. I know that it is exhausting at times, but I can promise you will never regret playing one more round of "Go Fish", you'll never regret just ONE MORE movie, you'll never regret just a few more tosses of the baseball in the back yard.

They want YOU. They want our time - ask yourself, "when I look back at my childhood what sticks out....?" Is it that sweet remote control race car you got for, whatever year birthday? Or is it a car ride to Branson when your dad was so stressed out from the time in the van and the traffic that he called you a "Donkey (appendage)!!!" Well, I won't insert the second part of it..... But, it is a memory that stands out - I can tell you that I also deserved the name calling because I was, in fact, being a donkey... leg.

I can tell you, I don't remember if I ever even got a remote control car for a birthday or Christmas. I can't. That said, I know that OFF will absolutely NOT kill a tarantula as it gallivants across your camp ground... NO MATTER how much of that crap dad sprays - it honestly just pissed the little bugger off. This is a memory so vivid in my mind that it's like it happened just last week. I was 7 when it actually happened. Thirty two years ago. 3...2..... But I'll never forget that experience with my father.

My hope is that each minute I spend with my children that I'm providing them all of me that I have to offer. The importance of that connection with them will impact the connection I have with them ten years from now.

What kids know is love. Time with them shows them that love when done with intent.

Take them fishing, hunting, to the gym, to the movies, to the drag races, to the park, to the pool, the library, drive-in... Give them memories that are as diverse as the world they are racing to partake in. Give them the tools to take it on through the memories and the experiences you manifest for them. That is our greatest duty as a parent and it is SO simple. It is an endeavor you will never regret.

You will never feel guilty about skipping that Ugly Christmas Sweater party because you took your kids to see the lights at Memorial Park. You won't regret missing that wild night out with friends, for a movie night in with your children.

Spend less by giving more. More of your time. More of your energy and your heart for your kids sake.

My mentor and I were once talking about regrets - he was a CEO at an Oil and Gas company - even with all of the success his life had seen. I thought surely it would be along the lines of something in his professional and political aspirations through the course of his life. I asked what his biggest regret was........

"Son....." he looked me dead in the eyes while his own welled up... "I didn't spend enough time with my children... Everything else is obsolete in comparison to that time I will never get back.."

J.L. Copeland