Un-Fathering the Father - Part 4

My youngest son has always had an edge to him; he's also been, as people say, a "loose cannon". Simply put, he lives based on what his emotions and/or perceptions of his world around him tell him to do. It's pretty simple to understand this about him.

When he was about 2 years old we still had the house child proofed - he had gotten a hankering for discovering what was beneath our sink in our kitchen. I knew that there were a bunch of chemicals that if ingested or spilled into his eyes that, ultimately, bad things could happen.

He didn't care - what he knew was that it was a spot in his world he needed answers to. So, he pulled the pull with all of his might, his round little toe-head straining in the window light. I chuckled a bit and told him, "No, son, that will hurt you..." To which he re-gripped, set his feet and pulled again. "Son, I told you no. That can hurt you..." He snorted at this stepped back for a second and then grabbed at the pull again. "Son, you touch that handle again and I'm going to swat your hand...." To this, he looked me dead in the eyes, never breaking his glare from mine and slowly and very surely reached to the handle....

It was that moment like you see in movies where the camera cuts to one characters face then the others. Back and forth, back and forth. Each time the camera is zooming in closer on the characters eyes to show the anxiety they are feeling in this moment. One is always sweating whilst the other has one brow lifted to show utter machismo. This was my son and myself; I was the anxious one, he was the machismo.

As soon as his little, sausage-like, finger tips reached the pull, I swatted his hand away. Without a seconds hesitation or consideration, with the opposite hand, he swung back at me....

It was a moment I will never forget. My youngest son, at 2 years of age, was basically saying, "You might push, but I will push back..." He was stating, very early, that he wasn't going to give an inch, because his will and his stubbornness would not allow him to do such things.

It's amazing the differences in their personalities; don't get me wrong, my oldest is as stubborn and can be as hard headed as they come. It's just the presentation is different. Early, I knew that my oldest wanted to do his best and he wanted affirmation of that best. This wasn't a longing for approval because he was missing something - more so because when he puts himself, completely, into something he wants to know that it impacted those around him. It goes back to the previous post about his ability for caring and loving another human being above himself. This is a trait that is unique to him, not learned, but innately provided to him by the forces that be; God, the universe, some karmic force that gifted him a potential that few have, even when they put focus to improving it.

Clearly, early in my oldest's life, my ability in connecting with him was much more simplistic. It was much more open in an emotional variety. He is/was (now that he's a teenager this has shifted a bit. HA!) a very sweet human being. When it came to discipline; I simply gave him "The Look" and that was all she wrote. This, in some capacities, is still the case with him. I'm not a "spanker", but early on I did spank both of them, at times. One swat and that got the message across when nothing else would. My oldest took this to heart and figured out that it was not something he wanted to have as a part of his world.

**Side Note - I am not against swats, but I am against that being the go-to and the answer for discipline. If my boys are fighting, really actually physically fighting, the contradiction I would be providing them by spanking them for the offense is vastly contradictory. My message of non-violence being presented through "violence" is, simply put, asinine. This is even more asinine when you actually write it or say it out loud. When nurturing our children for growth, leading by example can be and is one of our most powerful tools in our tool-kit.**

My youngest, however, would stand there, defiantly and literally ask, "So, you going to do this or what?" Defiant. Strong willed. Maybe a little too strong willed, teetering on daftness. HA! I promise, they both come by the latter naturally.

So, one "reward" worked for one, but it had zero impact on the other. Instantly, I knew that I had to figure out how to redirect when it came to their discipline structures. I knew that with the oldest; conversation and a clear understanding of his "reward" (aka punishment) would promote fixing whatever it was that he broke.

My youngest would need his own time and space. He needed time to digest what it was he had done, how the "reward" matched up to the overall outcome and from there HE would determine how he would handle it moving forward.

Neither of these mentalities are wrong or problematic; they become problematic if we do not recognize and then adjust our nurturing of them accordingly. If I had continued to swat my youngest this would only fuel the burning fire he has inside of him in a negative sense. It would be like holding on to the kerosene bottle for too long as one tries to re-ignite their fire. The flame would surely find it's way back up to the bottle. If I didn't take the time to converse with my oldest in the areas of his "learning lesson" and "reward" then that feeling would be harbored as resentment and self-doubt. This is the problem with those that are so in-tune to others - a lack of connective affirmation will debilitate that confidence they might ultimately posses and doubt will rule their thoughts.

We as parents can jump straight to the stress of a situation far too quickly; I know this all too well and from personal experience. I see a "wrong" and want to immediately correct it. You know you have that thought of, "what in the WORLD are you thinking?!" Especially with boys! It's easy to get caught up in the mindset that the path between A to B for them is so clear we can't grasp how they took a misstep in the process. But, their limited time on this planet doesn't make that picture as clear. Their brains aren't developed for the same logic and rational as our adult brains - I would contest that I'm STILL waiting for mine to mature to that level! With this in mind, ideally, it alleviates some of the frustration that their lack of understanding in their decision making process can cause. Further....

First, we have to remember that what they see and what they hear will be notated and utilized when their subconscious identifies it in situations in their own lives. They will imitate and master what we show them. If we lose our cool every time something goes wrong, so will they. If we break down anytime something goes awry, they'll melt as well.

I'm not suggesting we will get this right every time; we will lose our cool, we will break down, we will want to pull our hair out. But, its the repetition of making our reactions more positive responses than not. So when they do something that makes you want to scream at the top of their lungs; how are you approaching them and that situation? Lest we forget, our words are held on to as tightly as our actions - are you protecting their confidence in how you speak to them? I don't mean this new age "participation trophy" nonsense that is destroying children. I can not stand this lack of accountability that is being taught in our society today. We are raising our children in a "3 ply" society - it's becoming increasingly soft.

That said, it's more along the lines of staying away from words like, "brat, failure, annoying, etc." We can correct without knocking down. We can adjust without derailing. The greatest opportunity we have to effect our future children is when our present children make a mistake. Not only in the consequences of their actions, but in how to handle those consequences and how we manage ourselves within those subsequent actions. I was recently asked about when I used to coach and if I just HATED losing.

"Naturally, I hate losing, it's a part of me that I've really had to shape and nurture over the course of my life. I used to be a sore loser and that outcome would impact my day and even sometimes my week. But over time, especially when I started coaching, that mindset changed. It shifted. Did I or do I still hate to lose? ABSOLUTELY! However, what shifted was how I perceived and accepted that outcome. Losing provided the opportunity for growth; learning, motivation and humility. All key components for success. All key components for understanding success for all that it's worth... So, YES, I hate to lose, but love the opportunity to grow..."

Your child's mistake is an opportunity for that growth for them, but also for the mother/daughter, father/son, father/daughter, mother/son relationship. You take the opportunity to sit with them and discuss the reasoning that they concluded from their actions and that plants a seed for real change. For real growth. This also provides another chance for you and your little one to connect on a personal, human level. As they get older, that human connection is something that they long for - to see you for the person that you are and not just the title of "parent". They want to know your successes and the things you're proud of, but if you listen closely, they want to know about your MISTAKES. They want to know how often you used to get spanked or grounded or that thing you did that got you in to the MOST TROUBLE EVER! It's so much fun if you allow it to be.

Do not close off. Do not hide yourself from them. It's a beautiful experience to take them on the journey from where you were, before them, to where you are now. This is a part of nurturing them. Show them you're human, you have fears, make mistakes, continue to make mistakes and even with those errors, you continue to move forward and to grow. You can show them how. Provide them with that missing puzzle piece that they might be struggling with that you're not even aware of.... Why is this certain subject a struggle? Are you nurturing enough in the right way to really hear what they're telling you? Why are they acting out? Are you paying attention to what is happening around them? What has changed besides the behavior? Have you changed?

Recently, my youngest son called me out for not giving them as many hugs and kisses at night. I had thought, for some reason, that they both were "too old" for those things. I thought this because they would both fight it at night. I kiss my boys. I absolutely kiss my boys and always will. I don't mean lip to lip, but I kiss them goodnight. So when he said, "hey, you're not trying as much anymore....." Well, let's just say there hasn't been a night that I don't try to give them the biggest, sloppiest and wettest goodnight kiss I can muster.

It meant something to them even if they were acting like they didn't want me to do so. They needed that affirmation and that connection that was part of me nurturing their safe space around them. Don't take yourself for granted in what you're providing for them. You might not know what matters to them or what is meaningful to them. You can not go wrong if you're doing it with the right motive behind it. If you're doing it with love - I can promise, I will never care how old either of my children get - I will always tell them I love them when we first see each other and when we are parting ways. Always. I don't care what is going on in their world or mine, I will make sure I'm providing them the care, compassion, safety, encouragement and love that I can because I want to nurture them into the most confident, positively defiant (especially to this society and it's attempt to erode it's men...) young men that I can.

I won't fail at this because mine did the same for me and because I refuse to fail my boys. Their paths will be burnt by them while I provide the spark and the gasoline to do so. Regardless of circumstance.

J.L. Copeland