Un-Fathering the Father - Part 5

I was sitting on the sideline of my oldest sons competitive soccer game; he's playing in goal, it's a close game and the other team is on with the momentum. A goal was inevitable - this would tie the match up in a game that had been hard fought, close and very back and forth. As a former coach, I couldn't help but analyse the match, wonder why the coach wasn't making the "obvious" adjustments to help his players get out of the game with a win.

Shot on frame by the opposing team - my son dives... save! Great save. I rise out of my chair and throw my arms up and start clapping and yelling his praise. The ball, however, is still in play. Shot.... Off and through his finger tips - relatively easy save in comparison to the first.. the soccer Gods shown down up on the other team as the ball slowly rolled across the goal line as my oldest threw himself at his error and the tying goal, to no avail. They scored.

Instantly, my sons eyes find mine - it was a moment where a very silent conversation was happening between the two of us. He was looking at me for so many different signs and queues. "I messed up, dad...", "Did you see that, dad?", "Are you mad at me...." Our silent communication became audible, "Head up! Head up! You're alright!"

I noticed, before that scenario, that numerous games and numerous times in those games he was seeking an answer. He was searching for my approval. He was searching for my acceptance through his performances. I had seen this time and time again when I was coaching - evaluating players and looking at each one's psyche and what made them tick. Too often, I saw players making errors or finding success and instantly looking to the sideline for their parent. Far too often, that look was after an error had occurred. It was after the player had not had their best moment and they were seeking that acceptance. This, consistently, broke my heart and, in all honesty, made me sick to my stomach.

Most of my preseason parent meetings I would tell my parents that they are cheerleaders, nothing more, nothing less. There were many reasons for this, but the biggest one was simple... ENCOURAGEMENT. Encourage your player, but more importantly, encourage your child!

My boys know that I coach, so they would come to me for that guidance. They would always ask about practice and how I thought it went. They would ask what something meant or look for understanding in what they could have done better. The biggest question I got was always after a game and it was this, "Dad, honestly, how did I do....?"

Parents would ask me when I was coaching how to answer the question that would help them grow or get better or learn from their in-game experience. It always baffled me when they would ask such a question, because they weren't the coach. I know it came from a good place, but they weren't the coach. They are there to watch their children play a game. A game they were/are supposed to be able to enjoy.

"Dad, honestly, how did I do...?" The answer was always easy and always the same, "Son, I am so glad I got to watch you play...." Plain and simple. Sure, we had conversations about what he did well and how to fix a mistake? But, I always started off with that response; a reminder that I am thankful I get to watch them do something they enjoy, something they are passionate about. This is to remind them that I am supporting them.

They're not professional athletes, they are not professionals, period. I see these parents, usually dads, going bonkers over their kids sporting events. Freaking out over every play, every call, every mistake their child makes and then ripping them for doing so. To those dads.... "Sit your dumbass down!" You're an idiot. You're completely missing the point.

Our children don't need you eating their souls out for youth sports. Push them? Sure. Push them to give their best? Yes, please. But annihilate them over their errors? I don't even need to respond to that because it's insulting to me to even consider it.

These events and times in their lives with us are brief. They go by in a blink in an eye and we as parents need to relish in these memories they are making. I ask myself, how do I want my boys to recall these memories and the roll I played in them?

I can promise, I have high expectations for my kids, but I can also promise that I will always take the encouragement first stance. I will push them through encouraging them through my presence. I will encourage them through my support of their passions and be ever present in being their biggest damn cheerleader. I don't care what that is as long as they are giving their all and it's providing them that emotional, spiritual and mental foundation to make them healthy and thriving adults.

This encouragement starts with our words; they hang on to all of them. So be mindful of what you're putting into their little ears and, ultimately, their hearts. When they fall is when these words should be the most poignant. I swear, the next dad I see living vicariously through their 13 year old son is going to get a ninja like throat punch on the spot. Why?

Because they're missing it. Let them have their experiences, let them find their way through trial and error and sit back and encourage it all. I don't mean being hands off, but rather by being spot on. Hold them when they fail, lift them when they succeed.

Praise them for overcoming something they were afraid of or, and especially when it is something that they have failed at before. Be open with them and transparent about your failings, your short-comings as guidelines to how they can overcome their own. This is real life encouragement that, even when things go wrong, when things hurt, you can and will rise again.

We have the opportunity to build strong little human beings - we also have the ability to tear our children's confidence to pieces. In my world and my boys world there are two things; 1. Success/winning. 2. Learning. That's as baseline as it gets. It's either one or the other and if it's the latter then we can look at the strengths and build on those in hopes to offset the weaknesses, all while building on those things that could improve. But, never....NEVER is it approached without first building their belief in themselves. Encouraging, strongly, self-belief.

I leave you with this story... To my oldest again... He recently asked me if I thought he could be a professional soccer player. I didn't have to put a lot of thought in to my answer because I could see where the real question was coming from - he was looking for my approval because he was asking that question of himself, "Do I have what it takes...?" I looked at him for a minute and the response was simple, "Of course I do, boy. But what I think isn't nearly as important as what you think of yourself.... I believe that if you wanted it, you'll find the way.."

He hasn't been without a soccer ball since that conversation.

J.L. Copeland