When We Walk

When I was a young, young lad, I was TERRIFIED of girls. Still am to this day, but now it's with a completely different and far better understanding of why I should be! The anxiety and fear in my youth was that knee's knocking, palms sweating, anxiety attack I would go through when I was attempting to speak to a female of interest or really any female, for that matter.

I had confidence in who I was - my family instilled that self belief in me at an early age. This was accomplished through my involvement in a multitude of activities; church, sports, cub scouts, etc. This conjured discomfort, which constantly stretched my comfort zone and shaped it into something else, something bigger and more prepared for the next.

That said, I was short, I had a strange, helmet looking-like hair style (unfortunately I can't find any pictures of that... DAMN!) that I can't even describe fully to this day. Most of my friends hit puberty at the age of, well, it seemed, about four years old and were shooting up in height. They had body hair. Their bodies were changing and I was still this puny little pumpkin pie hair cutted dork.

I know that last sentence seems contradictory to my previous comments about being brought up with self belief. It's not contradictory in this manner - I believed in who I was, I believed that I could put myself out there and fail and get through it. This was something I had at an early age. BUT, that doesn't mean that I didn't have my insecurities about failure, about rejection, about being accepted for who I was and what I was willing to do for my loved ones.

I digress.....

Growing up, my dad instilled in me the importance of the respect a man must have for a woman. These lectures began early and they came often. It was my dad's concern over how I would grow and understand to treat a woman that drove these conversations. I believe now, he was digging deep from a part of him that was afraid I would make the same errors as him. I would go down the same path because, maybe, he saw something in me that was all too familiar in himself.

But that first big talk about dating came when I announced that I had a girlfriend at the ripe ole age of nine. His words were as strong as his examples in my mind. I took them to heart. I believed what he was saying as 100% gospel. I also saw his actions. I saw his flaws.

I saw how he and my mother interacted with one another. Or how they didn't interact with one another.

The strongest words spoken are the ones never heard.

He had a wonderful insight that was charming in prose - open the door for them when they're getting out of the car, open the door for them when they're getting in to the car, open and hold the door for any woman entering a facility. Put your hand on the small of their back as you open the door when you're on a date....

My dad was teaching lessons about respect, decency, being a protector that shows he's ready to fend off the wolves from the doorstep and willing to provide. He had these nuggets of wisdom then.

I think back to those nights, as he pulled on his Marlboro Light, searching for the words that would help me best understand his points. Honestly, one of my favorite conversations to have with my dad when I was growing up, was to talk to him about women.

For all of the conversations and the examples set - we still grow to become our own. We make our own choices through the grind of trial and error, the sting of trial by fire. This shapes how we perceive our ability to open up to a relationship. How we perceive relationships, in general.

Through the years and the hurt that was to come, from the time I was a young boy to the short years after I graduated high school; I became callused and extremely untrusting of most people, but specifically women.

I carried these wounds for a very long time. In some ways, I still carry some of them and might do so for the rest of my life.

But the beauty of life, is that until you take your last breath, it keeps going. It keeps churning and turning and one is allotted the opportunity to take on new perspectives.

I recently had a relationship - well let me say this, it has been the weirdest, most frustrating, most ridiculous and most rewarding of all. I was able to build something in this one that I wasn't able to in others.

That said, this person has allowed me the opportunity to "see" again that IT IS SO POWERFUL to believe in those around you. To trust. To be open and willing to allow hurt or happiness in my world. Because, see, when one numbs enough to block out hurt that comes at a cost.

One can NOT block out hurt WITHOUT BLOCKING OUT REAL HAPPINESS. (If I were on my podcast, I would be repeating that statement.) So repeat that to yourself. IF you know you're one that shuts off to self protect, understand you're also shutting off your opportunity to feel real joy. YOU are killing that. NOT the other person. NOT your friend, your partner, your family member...... YOU.

She taught me, over the course of the last five years that I can believe in the goodness and longevity of a healthy relationship. I can't say how forever grateful I will be. How forever changed I will be.

The lesson in all of this is simple; when we walk with someone we must provide all of ourselves. True compassion, the lessons my dad was attempting to share, comes from the utmost respect in ourself first, to then provide that same appreciation to someone else, second.

We as men can do all of those romantic gestures that we can think of, but all of those are empty if we haven't backed them up with our hearts. All of it. All of our being. All of our soul. If your partner does not find the same level of importance in this aspect of the walk in your relationship then that relationship is stale. That relationship will fail. The expectations are too vast in difference. The course will be off.

So when we walk with someone, let the unspoken words ring loudly. Let the spoken ones be gentle and true. Let the actions never cause doubt and hold on tight, because life is wild, and it will surely be crazy.

J.L. Copeland