When You're A Dumbass.. And How To Navigate Away From It.

SOMETIMES WE FUCK UP

Life is a funny thing. It's always going to have a dark sense of humor and be, mostly, ironical. My life has been nothing short of these things. Just when it seems that things are going my way, BAM!! Life. A friend passes. Job lost. Car breaks down. Girlfriend cheats. ALL have happened. Life.

As I sit here today, life happened yesterday. I fucked up. I've been struggling with where I've been the last few months and on top of that; I screwed up in a way yesterday that goes against everything that I claim to be. It really, really fucking stung.

This happens. We make mistakes because, hey, after-all, we are human. It is true in that we do have to find those areas and the opportunities to provide ourselves grace when we fall. This has to be correctly applied, however. Specifically if we ARE working so hard and consistently at becoming the best version of ourselves that the mistakes, while inevitable, are fewer and farer between occasion. *Sidebar 1 - you shouldn't have to point this out about yourself - people should be able to see it.* However comma I do not find the grace in this situation for myself. I almost refuse to allow it for myself because I expect so much more from me.

You might think this sounds arrogant like I believe I am something special. Furthest from the case. The are some of. you that actually read this and I KNOW you don't like me and I can PROMISE you, none of you will dislike me more than I will dislike myself. So I win. Ha!

But I digress; I fucked up yesterday just when I felt like things were starting to turn a corner. Portions of my life were really, really starting to look very positive. *Sidebar 2 - I realize I'm using the F word a lot - it's necessary for the poignance of this particular story.* I'm not sure why this happened, I'm not sure why I allowed myself to slip. But I did. I can't change it nor can I take it back.

Here's what I can admit - I've been struggling the last several months. I have been struggling to find value in myself. I think this is a form of depression I have carried for my entire life. It's feeling consistently inadequate and not good enough. It's feeling that nothing I do will ever cut it and that, ultimately, my life will always be a disappointment. I have always masked those dark demons with a facade of confidence and extreme self belief. (I will say, I do have confidence and a large bit of self-belief or I wouldn't be writing this, but nonetheless) This is something I have to work through and will always have to deal with until I can learn to live with, carry and/or put down some of my past. Realistically, we all have to learn to understand those darker areas of our lives - to do this, we have to visit them. We have to face them. That's a scary thing. It's a scary place to be, but, ultimately, growth only happens through this truth. What happened was not that big of a deal - my actions made it one. My response made it one. Stupid.

Which leads me to this.....

When we fuck up, how we manage ourselves after that mistake is crucial. How long lasting that mistake becomes hinges on how we step up to it and own it. I failed in all accounts. Miserably. Terribly. Ashamedly, I was not the man that I have worked to become yesterday. Not only did I hurt someone that I care about more than I can articulate, I then decided to fall in to old habit and drink those feelings. Not something I have done in a very, very, VERY long time.

TAKING OWNERSHIP

So, there you go. I can say life happened, or I can say, no, no.... JUSTIN happened.

Justin did happen. It wasn't life. It wasn't the world or the "enemy" it was simply me and my own stupidity. I know the vagueness is making this seem like it was a huge ordeal. I kind of like that, making you guess. Either way, the point is that (as this portion is aptly titled) the error was on me. I can tell you that God himself is and will not be harder on me than I will be. I crucify myself mentally and emotionally when things like this come up. It's a loathing for failing and letting down those that are closest to me.

See, my friends are my family - in a lot of ways these friends have been there through the thickest of thicks and the hardest of hards in my life. Letting them down, failing them is right up there with if I were to fail my two sons. I take this very seriously and always will because I believe this to be a very important mindset to have. It's self checking. It's a part of self preservation.

When I get to speak to people about their growth - ACCOUNTABILITY is the word that ALWAYS comes up and pops up like a 'whack-a-mole' in these meetings. Without this, there is no such thing as growth. It will be like planting a sunflower away from sun light. It surely will not grow. Accountability must be applied to all aspects of our lives - from our commitment to our family, our spouse, our children, our jobs, the gym, diets, etc.

I am being accountable here and now. Accountability, like sunlight to the sunflower, has to be applied in these times when we misfire. When we make errors, when we fall short - accountability is the only thing that turns that loss into a lesson. This is where we grow. I can't change the past, I can't rearrange decisions I've made for better outcomes. I have to hope that others can forgive those shortcomings, but not wallow in it if they can not. *Sidebar 3 - this is where grace comes in - if someone can't look past your mistakes they want to hold you in rewind. Fuck them and that.*

Growth only happens with movement. So, I have to keep moving to continue this path that I'm on. This journey to be the right kind of man that can be a great father, a great husband (someday), a great brother, a great friend. All of these things are vitally important to me. I actually yearn for them - this sounds awkward, but strap on, things can get awkward.

So, we own up to who we are, what we are and the decisions we make - right or wrong (have to assign these words here) and then act accordingly.

DON'T BE A TWAAAT

Finally, errors are forgivable. The people that love us most will see us for who we are, they will know our hearts and can forgive a downfall. This is because they trust that we will work to navigate away from a poor decision and NOT repeat it. THAT is the most important ingredient to this cocktail and THIS is why it is entitled as such. The goal, when we let someone down is to not do it again. Remember, those closest to us will forgive but they will not forget. If you're repeating an action that harms them over and over and expecting them to accept your apologies for it, well you're being a twat and they will surely fall out of your life.

IF you mess up, dependent upon what it is, you MIGHT repeat said mistake. Possibly. We aren't perfect, we are far from it. HOWEVER, if we are not working to right the ship and to not recommit said infractions and expecting forgiveness each time... Well, my friend, this makes you a twat. Plain and simple. So don't. Don't be a twat. No one likes that.

While yesterday, for me, was a non-comical, comedy of errors I can guarantee I will not make the same mistake(s) again. I know this because I have been accountable so I will grow from it. Further, and again, very simply put, I am not a twat, as much as I might appear to be one, I am, in all actuality, NOT one.

WHY can I say this?

Because I expect so much more from myself. I expect to accept that I will trip up, but I refuse to allow myself to continue a pattern that isn't beneficial to those that matter most to me. Firstly, me. I have to look out for me first. If I haven't then I'm doomed from the off and I might as well bin off the rest of my plans for those around me because I will fail. Take that a bit deeper, if you don't like yourself, what are you doing? How can you like or love anything or anyone else? If you see yourself as a twat, well, then readjust your mindset to that, at least, as accountability and get to work on that alone! ;)

I don't want to live with someone I don't like. I don't want to live with someone that isn't working to be the best version of themselves and going after their lives in all facets of it. So, if I don't want that, then I, JUSTIN, can't be that. Regardless of relational or parental status, YOU go to bed with YOU every single night. Why be miserable with that person? CHANGE IT.

Secondly and finally, I want to provide a life for my boys that not even I could have imagined. Expectations are everything. They can make and/or break us. If they are unrealistic - broken as fuck. If they are bound in a belief in who you are - obtainable. Further, I want to provide a love for them and my spouse that even ole Billy Shakespeare couldn't have created. If I'm setting the expectation that I will take on full and sole accountability and then responsibility for me - I remove myself from twatland and into one that is progressive. I am the sunflower sparkling and soaking up the sunlight. *Sidebar 4 - I know you're now imagining me as a sunflower. You're welcome.*

WRAP IT UP

Life, as stated before will come at us. It surely will. There's no denying it, there's no getting away from it. We will, also, make mistakes. Whilst I didn't share my specifics, I have shared and been accountable to it. I can look at it now and think, never the fuck again. Never. I'm BETTER THAN THAT.

The good news for me is that I know I will learn from this and only be stronger. So will those impacted by it. I will not hide from my flaws. I will not hide from the mistakes I've made, nor will I from the ones I will surely make in the future. I'm human and life is really damn hard sometimes. BUT, owning up to it is growth and growth is freedom and freedom, well, that makes everything else not really fucking matter.

Once you've identified these things in yourself - I hope you're working towards that same freedom. I hope this blog post, my silly words, provide those that read this a chance to reevaluate and address those areas in their lives where you're not stepping up to the plate of accountability. Get into it! Wrap it up around you. Own it.

J.L. Copeland